Ethereal Exchange...

Making the switch to WordPress

2007-06-29T14:31:00.001-05:00

My husband asked my when I was going to make the switch...so I did. Here's the link to my new and improved blog:

http://amyciske.wordpress.com/

Blogging again

2007-06-29T10:24:00.000-05:00

The other day I was cleaning out my bookmarks and ran across the link to my blog - I haven't been to my own blog in months! As I looked through the different posts I was so glad that I had blogged. It was fun to read things that I had forgotten about and to travel back in time and see how much things have changed - how much I have changed!

So, I decided that I should start blogging again. I don't know if anyone ever visits my blog, but that's okay. Maybe that will change as I start blogging again.

Here's a quick update:
Nick and I are moving to India in November. Nick will be starting a creating services division of the company we work for. I will be learning the language (Hindi), spending time at the feet of Jesus and who knows what else. ;-)

Life is quickly changing for us...we only have a few short months left before we make the big move. Lots of friends to hang out with, family to visit, stuff to get rid of and not enough time!

When Two Become One - Becoming One with Christ

2006-12-17T15:21:00.000-06:00

I'm not even sure if anyone checks my blog anymore. I haven't blogged since Nick and I got engaged. I've toyed with the idea of taking my blog down, but haven't been able to get up the courage to do it yet.

Nick and I are currently reading a book called "When Two Become One" by Christopher McCluskey. It has been a great book so far. I think every time we read a chapter we have both ended up saying, "Wow! That's good!" or "Why hasn't anyone told us about this?" or "Wow, no one really talks about this." If you're married, I suggest reading it.

Last night we read a portion about God's holy design for marriage and how it reflects His heart towards us. McCluskey brought up God's intense desire for deep intimacy with His beloved (the church). Throughout Scripture, God uses the word that means "to know" when referring to the intimacy shared between man and wife - "Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain." (Gen. 4:1). In the same way that a man and wife share such a deep level of intimacy only with eachother, so does God desire to share a deep level of intimacy with each of us that we know with no other being. This level of intimacy goes way beyond mere head knowledge.

The verse that McCluskey shared that brought this to a whole new level in my mind was Matthew 7:21-23, "Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and perform miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you.'" I've always struggled with how someone can perform miracles in the name of Jesus and not know Him. But now, it's a little more clear. I am afraid that I have been guilty of this very thing. I know God with a head knowledge, but truly opening myself up to Him and diving into the depths of authentic, deep intimacy with Him is a scary thing. God has issued the invitation, but it's up to me to accept it. I am the one who keeps Him from knowing me the way that He desires. This type of relationship requires me to let down my guard and trust Him completely. It means that I have to die to my own wants and desires and allow His heart to be placed into my own. It means that there is nothing off limits to Him and I remain open to the process of refinement until the day I meet Him face to face. This is the type of relationship that God desires to have with us. It is not easy, but it is the way to true joy, peace, freedom and life.

I want my God to know me inside and out, not just because He is God and is omniscient, but because I have engaged Him in an intimate and deep relationship and have invited Him into the very depths of my being.

Our Website

2006-04-18T00:12:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are interested, here is a website that Nick set up with wedding details (at least what we have so far):

Nick & Amy's Wedding

The Pictures

2006-04-17T15:58:00.000-05:00

They pretty much speak for themselves...Nick added little captions all along the way.

flickr set

Today has been quite an unproductive, but fun, day! Beth (our HR person) came in early this morning and decorated my desk with signs and baloons. I have had frequent stops from various co-workers, and a plethora of emails after Nick sent out a mass email announcing our engagement.

On our way over to the dining room for lunch, Sue Shetler was waiting for us and took this picture before we came in the door. It's so much fun to have all these people share in our joy!

Mrs. Nick Ciske

2006-04-16T01:45:00.000-05:00

That is going to be my name...

Today, Nick popped the big question! It was the perfect day. I really wasn't expecting it to happen today because we had a lot to do to get ready for the Seder we were having at Bluer tonight. But he carved the time out to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. It was absolutely perfect.

I love how God orchestrates life. Thus far, it has never turned out exactly like I expected it to...I know that He has great plans in store and I look forward to searching them out with Nick at my side. He really is a wonderful man, and I am so grateful that God has brought us together in order to experience just a shadow of what He has intended for His bride. I am so overwhelmed at this great mystery! I am having difficulty coming up with words to express the feelings that are in my heart. I think I am just beginning to experience a slight glimpse of the passion that Christ feels towards me, well as the response that belongs to Him. The more I experience, the more I am convinced that marriage is the ultimate metaphor for the reality of my relationship with the Lover the of my soul.

There will be pictures and more details to come...Nick had to stop to capture each moment of the day! Just one of the things that I love about him!

This just makes me laugh...

2006-04-15T08:15:00.000-05:00

Parents Continued

2006-04-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

We survived! Actually, it went very well. Nick was charming and witty and did not appear to be nervous at all. My parents took to him quite well, which isn't much of a surprise.

The best part was the ride home. I have never seen Nick more giddy or hyper about anything. It was great, and it was a huge relief to get that behind us.

Next weekend, we'll be going to Willmar for 2 days...I'll be going to a Father/Daughter banquet with my sister and dad, and Nick gets to hang out with my mom and my brother. Lucky him! If anyone thinks about it, please pray for us.

Meet the Other Parents

2006-04-09T16:17:00.000-05:00

So in about 15 minutes Nick and I are off to meet my parents for dinner. This will be the first time that they are officially meeting him as my boyfriend. I know they met last summer when Heather and I moved to Minneapolis, but he was just one of the guys helping us out...

I'm a little nervous, but I know that my parents are anxious to meet him. We had lunch with my sister at the Olive Garden today, and that was a walk in the park. We all were very relaxed and there weren't really any awkward silences. I'm hoping dinner will be the same.

To be continued....

Meet the Parents

2006-03-13T16:49:00.000-06:00

This weekend I went to Portage, Wisconsin....

To meet Nick's family. I've never done this before, so I was a little nervous on the ride there. (As I write this, Nick is sitting right next to me trying not to read what I'm writing and not doing a very good job of it.)

For it being the first time meeting a boy's parents, I thought it went extremely well. We had a wonderful and relaxing weekend in the small town of Portage. Nick took me around on Saturday morning (after getting me coffee because no one in his house drinks it) to show me all the sites of Portage. We walked along the Wisconsin River for awhile, saw his childhood home, where he went to school, and drove past a favorite Portage pass time - Super Wal-mart!

Nick's family is great. His dad fell on the ice last weekend and has been on pain medication for the last week. He was a hoot! Apparently he's usually a quiet guy, but this weekend he talked non-stop. I guess he pulled out a few stories that neither Nick or his mom had heard before. Nick's mom is really sweet and funny, just like he said.

Saturday afternoon we decided to pull out the muck boots and explore the land that Nick's parents bought about 45 minutes away. It was a beautiful afternoon to take a hike through the wilderness. Their land has an 8 ft creek running through it, and the highlight of the day was wading across it to explore the other side. Nick joked about how funny it would be if he threw me in...I, on the otherhand, did not think that was so funny.

After dinner we pulled out the Rook cards and taught his mom and brother how to play. Ann and I set them two hands in a row and won by 500+ points. It was absolutely beautiful!

As I'm writing this, my stomach is growling because I haven't eaten since 10am this morning...I think we are off to eat at the Tailgate, so I'll have to finish this later. To sum everything up - it was the perfect weekend! I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Risk

2006-02-25T19:10:00.000-06:00

So, over the past few weeks, it seems that taking a risk has been a major theme in my life. Over and over again, it's been brought about in subtle and not so subtle ways. The week of my sixth month review, my boss gave me a little "sneak peek" of what he was going to say. He happened to be filling out the portion on innovation and said, "You need to take more risks...Your assignment is to go skydiving."

I think that same week the speaker in chapel apparently spoke on taking risks. I had several people tell me that I should have been there - both Nick and John told me I needed to get the tape.

Even as Nick and I have begun a journey together, I have been consciously aware of the risk that is involved in opening my heart to him.

Now tonight, I ran across this quote and feel very strongly that this is the crux of where I'm at. I don't know, God...can you be anymore clear?

Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom.
--Anais Nin

Kansas City (more from day one)

2006-02-25T09:33:00.000-06:00

I had a sweet moment with a staff member from the IHOP last night. She spent some time praying with me after the Encountering God service--in fact they shut the lights off while we were still praying...

She was praying that God would clothe me in His armor and I saw a picture of Christ cloaking me with Himself. He is the truth girded around me, my security; the righteousness that covers over my heart, covering over a multitude of sins; he is my salvation that guards my mind--my identity in Him; He is my peace, my sure foundation, I will not be shaken; He is the Living Word, sharp and active, ready to defend and battle on my behalf; He is the author and perfector of my faith, protecting me from the arrows of the enemy.

It was a powerful moment as I grasped the reality of how He longs to protect me and how safe I am in Him.

Kansas City Day 1

2006-02-24T11:36:00.000-06:00

I love coming down to Kansas City...right now I am sitting in the Higher Grounds coffee shop drinking a really good cup of coffee. There's something about the atmosphere here that is so peaceful. I love that I can just sit and be...There is absolutely nothing vying for my time or attention, except the Lord.

On the way down, my friend Shelley and I talked about what we were expecting to get out of this weekend. I hadn't really put a whole lot of thought into what I was expecting God to do, but the more I think about it, I feel there is an urgency to allow God to soften my heart. I want to be able to receive more and more of His heart towards me and in turn, the more satisfied I am in His Love, the more I can pour out to others.

By the way it's supposed to get up to 63 degrees today!!! I'm wearing a t-shirt and loving it!

There's a first time for everything...

2006-01-31T20:06:00.000-06:00

Today I was pulled over for speeding on my way to work. For the first time in my life, I received a ticket for a traffic violation. I figured it was bound to happen sooner or later, but I was not expecting it to happen on my way to work! I've had friends tell me that if you start crying, there's a good chance that the cop will feel bad and let you off with a warning, but I'm not the type of person who can cry at the drop of a hat. If I tried, it would probably look fake and then he would give me a ticket for sure! Then, my boss told me today that if you're honest and admit that you were totally in the wrong, they'll let you off the hook. I tried to do that, but it didn't really work. I think he thought I was telling him to hurry up because I was late for work. The cop was really nice though. When he handed me the ticket, it almost seemed as if he was apologizing for having to give it to me. One thing I know for sure, I'm going to stick to the main roads from now on!

Abiding in Love

2006-01-28T21:42:00.000-06:00

"Abide in My love..." This is the word that the Lord is speaking to my heart. To be found in Him, nourishing my heart, being rooted and built up in His love for me. Absolutely nothing on earth can compare to this knowledge of an intimate relationship with the Lover of my soul. Nothing can fill me or bring satisfaction to my soul the way that Jesus can...and I have yet to experience the great depths of all He has for me.

I am learning that the key to going deeper is to forget all that is behind. I cannot live in the past, I cannot hold onto that which has already come and gone - be it good or bad. I must press on towards that which lies ahead, setting my heart to lay hold of the unsearchable riches of Christ Jesus. Now I must remember all that God has done for me, and all that He has taught me, for it would be foolishness to bury these nuggets of truth in the sea of forgetfulness. What I am trying to convey is that this forgetting speaks of a necessity to abide or remain in Christ in order to encounter Him in the present, not depending on yesterday's encounter to somehow suffice. This is a difficult lesson to learn! It seems that it is second-nature for me to want yesterday's experience to somehow propel me forward into a deeper experience tomorrow. And yet somehow, I have a feeling that it does not work that way. Yesterday is gone and today I must abide in Him, trusting that He will enlarge my heart to receive more and more of His love for me.

In John 6, Jesus declares that He is the true Manna sent from heaven. He has come to give us abundant life, to nourish and feed our hearts. In Exodus 16, the Israelites were instructed to take only what was needed for each day, and no more. Those who tried to eat yesterday's manna found out how quickly it spoiled. I believe there is a deep spiritual truth here. The true Bread of heaven gives us exactly what we need each day if we will come and learn of Him.

I am also beginning to see that abiding is simply being with Jesus. I cannot measure the growth of my heart by my striving - striving will get me nowhere except amidst the company of shame and condemnation, for I can never earn merit with God by my works. Abiding is an attitude of the heart, an active waiting upon God. It is simply saying "Yes, I will set my heart before you! I will fix my gaze upon You. I will draw near Your heart." And it is in this positioning of myself before the Lord that I am changed. It is here that He strengthens my heart. It is here that He acts on my behalf. It is here that I begin to reflect His glory, for we truly become that which we behold.

Bangladesh Photos

2006-01-15T18:03:00.000-06:00

I pulled out my pictures from Bangladesh today and thought I would share some of my favorites. I was a little worried about the quality because I had to scan them onto my computer, but I think they turned out pretty good.

This is a picture of a woman cleaning rice out on the dirty street.

Coming down the stairs of the Parliament building one day, we heard this beautiful music coming magically out of nowhere. Once we reached the bottom and turned the corner, we saw this babytaxi driver playing the flute while waiting for a customer.

This was taken in Kuhlna (the third largest city in Bangladesh).

The first weekend I was in Bangladesh, we went to the village of Bolovpur to conduct a children's camp. I have a few pictures of this girl (yes, it is a girl) and this turned out to be one of my most favorite pictures. She has the most beautiful smile!

And finally, my favorite picture of the entire trip. This was actually taken out of pure annoyance more than anything. While in Khulna, we were visiting the homes of women benefiting from the Community Development Project. This group of boys were following us very closely asking for their picture to be taken. Several pictures later, they were still calling out asking for more. A digital camera would have come in handy! Having a film camera, I was leary of taking another shot because I didn't want to waste anymore film. Finally, I turned around, snapped the shot, and told them no more. And it turned out to be the best one out of the lot!

Me with blonde hair!

2006-01-15T14:32:00.000-06:00

Here's a visual for those of you who can't quite picture me with blonde hair!

This picture was taken with my friend Moshumi at the student center where I taught English in Dhaka. This was my last night with all of the students just a few short days before I left the country. We had a cultural night where the students could sign up to read poetry, sing, play instruments, etc. I was in a short skit with some of my students that turned out to be quite the disaster. One of the students had written a script and I had to memorize my lines in Bengali. I really had no idea what I was saying (which could have been dangerous), but at least I knew my lines. The night of the party, I found out that the manager of the student center had rejected the script because he thought some of the content was too controversial. I was a little disappointed, but okay with his decision. I figured that we weren't going to perform anymore since our script was rejected, but I was wrong. The students wanted to do an improvised skit instead. For anyone who knows me at all, I am not one to get up in front of people and improvise. I was absolutely mortified. I tried to explain to the students that I had no idea what to say, but they kept telling me it would be okay. It was easily the worst performance of the evening. Because of the language barrier, we weren't completely understanding eachother which led to some very awkward moments, but we managed to struggle through it. Everyone complemented us on our skit, but I think they were just trying to be polite!

Here's another picture of my 22nd birthday. It was fun to look through all my photo albums again!

I Love St. Paul! (and I'm talking about the city, not the saint)

2006-01-13T23:37:00.000-06:00

Tonight I spent the evening in my old stomping ground. I drove past the house Heather and I used to live in, went to the House of Prayer and topped off the evening by stopping at my absolute all-time favorite coffee shop. It brought back so many fond memories. For a moment, I was so caught up in the nostalgia that I wished we hadn't moved. Then the reality of a 1 hour commute to Bloomington and $200 gas/electric bills set in and I was very thankful for the place where I now live.

At the coffee shop they posted a sign that made me chuckle, so I thought I would share:

"All unattended children will receive an espresso and a free puppy!"

Like coffee, the quaint feel of St. Paul makes me happy!

Blog Tag 2

2006-01-08T00:28:00.000-06:00

Well, I've been tagged twice...Here goes - 5 things most people don't know about me (even though I was tagged twice I'm sticking to the original 5):

1. I used to have blonde hair up until 4 years ago (I think there are only a few people who read my blog who knew me back then.)

2. I wear glasses...I mean, I should wear glasses. My right eye is severely far-sighted which means that my left eye does most of the work. I can see clearly (thanks to that left eye), so it really doesn't feel like I need to wear glasses or contacts, more like I would be wearing them for decoration.

3. I am deathly afraid of German Shepards. I was attacked by one in the 7th grade while going door to door handing out flyers for a church plant in Orono.

4. When we lived in Colorado, my siblings and I would stay up late on Saturday nights to watch WWF wrestling.

5. I received a marriage offer while I was in Bangladesh. I had forgotten all about this until just recently. I read about this in the journal I kept while I was there. A pastor from a city in the southern part of the country had come to Dhaka for a conference. The day before he left he approached the missionaries I was working with to inquire whether or not I was spoken for. He then asked if I would be interested in an arranged marriage. The missionaries had a ball with this one!

My New Year's Resolution...

2005-12-30T22:31:00.000-06:00

...and I didn't even have to think that hard about it!

In the year 2006 I resolve to:
Slap stupid people in the head.

Get your resolution here

This could actually be kind of fun!!!

I need one of these...

2005-12-28T20:53:00.000-06:00

I ran across this blog post tonight and was very intrigued by the idea of having a "wailing wall" of sorts. I guess you don't need a specific "place" to do this, but sometimes I think it would help. By "this" I mean:

"This is our place where God is big enough: big enough to handle our anger, big enough to not be afraid of rage, of bitterness unleashed, of unrelenting sadness over the state of things. This is where we lay it all out and say, "Do you really want me? Because I come with this.” This is where we hope to hear, “Yes. And do you really want me? Because I come with this too.”

Sometimes, I wish I had a "place" to unleash all of the emotion that wells up inside. When she talked about breaking the plates, it brought me back to high school when I worked at a local family restaurant. After a really stressful night, a few of us would take the empty ketchup bottles back to the recycling room and smash them to pieces in the recycling bin. Somehow, the physical act of smashing those ketchup bottles relieved, at least for a moment, the stress brought on by a myriad of frustrations one can incur in the service industry. There were never enough ketchup bottles to go around. Sorry about the bunny trail...getting back to having a "place". I know that I can pour my heart out to the Lord anywhere (not always in a demonstrative way), but it's almost as if there would be something sacred about having a particular spot to meet with God in such an honestly raw way. It would be like having a place of remembrance, much like the altars built in the Old Testament. Generation after generation would be reminded of the goodness of God. Or maybe in my case it would be more like season after season I would be reminded of the goodness of God.

Night Owl

2005-12-26T23:07:00.000-06:00

Having more than one day off of work is dangerous. I have habitually stayed up late each night, poking around on the computer or watching some cheesy Christmas movie. I am definitely more of a night person, but I know that this will reak havoc with my sleeping schedule once I have to return to work! If I only had Nick's job, where no one cares what time he comes into work!

The best present of all...

2005-12-26T00:56:00.000-06:00

...really wasn't meant to be a Christmas present at all. When I walked into my parents house this afternoon, my sister grabbed a few things off the counter and said, "These are for you." In the pile was a few random pieces of mail and a small box. In curiosity, I opened the box to find the Bible from Cal and Marian's wedding. It was dated September 27th, 1955 and was signed by the entire wedding party. As I thought about it, I realized that this year would have been their 50th wedding anniversary. The story of how they met is great. Marian had been a missionary in India for 4 years. Cal had just arrived in India to begin language school before going to Bangladesh, and was invited to the Bihar province in India for a conference. During the conference, a fellow missionary approached Cal advising him that the single missionary life would be very difficult for him. He then proceeded to tell Cal that there were several young missionary ladies at the conference and Cal should choose one. It was at this conference that Cal and Marian met for the first time. Because of the culture, their only communication thus far had been a mere introduction. The only acceptable form of courting was via mail. Over the next several months, they exchanged letters back and forth until by chance, they happened to meet again at another conference. During this conference, a few of the missionaries devised a plot for Cal and Marian to be able to spend some time together. Thanksgiving was right around the corner and the two gentlemen decided to go hunting for a peacock in the jungle. They invited Cal and Marian along for ride and for the first time, they had the opportunity to be alone. It was during this rendezvous in the jungle that Cal proposed. Shortly thereafter, Cal left for Bangladesh. They spent virtually their entire engagement apart from eachother with letters being their only means of communication. Marian used to tell me that she pretty much married a stranger. Seeing Cal and Marian together after 35 years of service in Bangladesh, it was evident that God had brought them together. They were very much in love and it showed in so many ways. It was wonderful to receive a little piece of their history, a remembrance that God has His own way of bringing people together to accomplish His purpose and plan for their lives. And by far, one of the best Christmas presents I could ever ask for.

Hurry Up and Wait

2005-12-22T19:03:00.000-06:00

I hate that I am a product of our over-indulgent, instantaneous, self-gratifying culture. I don't want to wait for anything. Taking the time to cook a 20 minute meal feels like a small eternity, so I buy groceries that can be made in 10 minutes or less. Waiting for people who drive the speed limit is annoying. I avoid shopping on the weekends because the lines are horrendous.

Sad to say, this same attitude has creeped into my spiritual life. Perserverance? Yeah, right! I want God to meet me right now and it better be exactly the way that I want it to be. I tried to make a deal with God at the conference I attended in November. I said, "God, if you'll come and heal me, then I'll quit drinking from broken cisterns." I just want the quick fix. I don't want to wait...I want all of my problems solved now so that I can get on with my life. God's response? "I'm afraid it doesn't work that way." No matter how demanding I may be, God's ways are still higher than mine. He doesn't play by my rules. The truth of the matter is that God promises strength when we wait upon Him. Waiting usually means surrendering all notions that God works within our time table. I think that very few things with God are instantaneous. It's in the life-long process of waiting that God molds and shapes us into His image. John sent me a link the other day to Alan Creech's blog. This is what stuck out the most to me:

Letting Grace form and develop us takes a while. It is a lifelong process. Can we ever tell it's working? Sure we can. We will change - our desires, our attitudes, our emotions, our beliefs, and our actions. Notice which one I put last. Actions are the most exterior and temporary of the things about us to change. Yet, we focus on them more than anything. We are, by and large, ignorant. We DO have the capability to stop being that way - to get it and move forward. But again, it takes a while and we need to be patient with ourselves. We're pretty broken. And it's not simply a matter of waking up one day and thinking to ourselves, "I think I don't want to be broken any more" and then we just become "not broken." No, it doesn't work that way. And if it seems to for a time, it is that, only seeming to and it will fail. We need to get to the real thing - the deep and lasting thing - and forsake all this surface nonsense.
Let's move toward doing that. Grace be with us for this journey.

What is that saying...It's not the destination, but the journey that counts.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Salvation

2005-12-19T20:26:00.000-06:00

I can't really remember the context of the conversation, but today someone told me that they get saved everytime they set foot on a plane just in case. I grew up believing that it was possible for people to fall away from salvation. In college I had conversations with students from a Baptist college who believed that once you were saved, you couldn't lose your salvation. They argued that those who "fell away" from the Lord really weren't saved to begin with. In fact, just a few months ago, I had this same conversation with someone at a Bible study and began to doubt what I grew up believing. I have no idea what I believe anymore. It seems as though there are Scriptures that could validate both sides of the argument. Can people really lose their salvation? Can someone who has truly experienced the love of Christ walk away from Him? Does God ever say enough is enough? What about the verses where God says, "I will not contend with you forever."? Has salvation been so severely watered down by Western Christianity that we don't fully grasp the implications of what it means to be saved? The verse that really scares me is somewhere in Matthew 7 where Jesus tells the people who have prophesied and cast out demons in His name to depart from Him because He never knew them. It blows my mind that people can exercise such power and never know the source. It makes me begin to question whether or not I really know the author of my faith or if I am like those who have a form of godliness but deny its power. Every now and then, when the house is empty and no one has called all day, I begin to wonder if I missed the rapture (even though I don't really believe the church will be raptured before the tribulation, I still get that eerie feeling from time to time). It's funny how one little comment can trigger so many questions! If you have any comments, thoughts, or Scriptures, have at it!

Bittersweet

2005-12-18T20:47:00.000-06:00

This morning as I was laying in my warm bed, dreading the thought of venturing out into the cold, my thoughts drifted to going home for Christmas. This is the first Christmas that I will spend without my friend Marian. As I began to reminisce over years past and all the special holidays we spent together, I crawled out of bed to grab the wool sweater that she gave me from Norway feeling that somehow that would comfort the ache in my heart from missing her. It's funny how such a festive and joyous time of year can also be so lonely in the absence of those we dearly love.

I Feel Really Old...

2005-12-07T19:59:00.000-06:00

Someone at work asked me if I was 34 the other day...not that being 34 is bad or really old, but that's 5 years older than I really am. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I will be 30 in 10 short months. Then he proceeded to tell me that he must have gotten me mixed up with Mark. I'm not quite sure how that could happen, but what can you do!

Semi-Truck, School Bus and Toyota Camery

2005-11-02T23:22:00.000-06:00

There’s nothing like a little neighborhood car drama to get your morning started. Here’s the scenario: Mark and I have just gotten into the car and have pulled out into the street. Toyota Camery is in front of us. School Bus is trying to make a left hand turn onto our street, and Semi-Truck is waiting behind us to see how this will unfold.

Now, because Toyota Camery has pulled up too far, School Bus cannot complete his left hand turn. He opens his window, and starts talking to Toyota Camery. From the looks of it, the two know each other and have simply stopped for a quick morning chat. This is probably not the case, as School Bus is most likely trying to inform Toyota Camery that she needs to move, but this exchange has lasted a little too long for our liking. From inside our car, both Mark and I are coaching the Toyota Camery on what needs to take place in order for the bus to make its turn. I’m sure that was not helpful for Toyota Camery, but it gave us something to do.

Then the movement begins. Toyota Camery starts to back up. One would think that this would solve the problem. The bus would be able to pass and we would be on our way, but here is where things get more complicated. We soon discover that Toyota Camery cannot back up in a straight line. There was much debate as to why this might be, but that will have to wait for later. Toyota Camery has now successfully backed up to the left and is now sitting in the middle of the street still blocking the bus from getting by. After the reality of this has set in, Toyota Camery pulls forward again to try and rectify the situation. Once again, Toyota Camery backs up but this time to the right and it appears as if she is planning on turning around in order to go the opposite direction. This is not the case however, as she once again waits for the bus to move. Toyota Camery is now sitting horizontal in the street still preventing the bus from getting by. Seeing that this is not working, a third attempt is made as she pulls forward once again. It appears as if she might actually make it this time, but at the last moment Toyota Camery turns too far to the right and backs into the car that is parked to the right of us. At this point in time, Mark and I are beside ourselves at the horrendous driving ability of Toyota Camery. Who would have thought that something as simple as backing up in a straight line could prove to be such a difficult task?

By now, Toyota Camery has somehow straightened out in front of us. The School Bus has now completed his turn and there is but a glimmer of hope that we will finally be able to actually leave our housing complex. As we sit there waiting to escape this surreal drama, all glimmer of hope disappears as Toyota Camery puts her hazards on, parks her car, and gets out to survey the damage. This would not be a problem except for the fact that School Bus cannot get past Semi-Truck waiting patiently behind us. We are now officially blocked in. There is nothing left to do but scream and motion furiously for Toyota Camery to park her car on the street in front of the car she hit. After a moment or two, she seems to understand that she is the cause of the traffic jam behind her. Maybe it was Mark’s blaring horn that opened her eyes to this realization. Whatever it was, we were relieved that she got the drift and moved her car so that we could finally be released from the seemingly claustrophobic situation.

Ah…what a way to start out the day!

Declare Your Design

2005-09-28T21:20:00.000-05:00

I ran across this paragraph on a website today while doing a search on Spiritual Gifts for someone at work:

Declare Your Design: "Please check your Spiritual Gift boxes and press submit. Spiritual Gifts are your gifts from God given in celebration of your acceptance of Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. The Bible describes the gifts, and as you serve, you will begin to see your gifting emerge. These are not natural talents or passions. These are additional gifts only Christians possess. To help you see where your gifts may be you can use man-made spiritual gifting tests that are available on the internet. "

The line that I have a really hard time with is, "These are additional gifts only Christians possess." As if one day after submitting my life to Christ, I wake up and suddenly have the gift of mercy. I didn't have it last week, because I wasn't a Christian then (hypothetically speaking), but today I am able to show great compassion and mercy because now I am gifted. Maybe this is not completely what they are trying to say, but that's the conclusion that I drew. I do think that as God's creation, we bear His image. We have been fashioned with certain traits and qualities that reflect the heart of God, and these traits and qualities are prominent in Christians and non-Christians alike. I think people are gifted in the area of administration, giving, teaching, mercy, the prophetic, etc. before they ever come to know Christ because they bear the image of their Creator. These giftings are used for the utmost good when we submit ourselves to God, and potentially for destruction or harm by those not submitted to Him, but to deny their existence in a life just because a person may not be a follower of Jesus is a little arrogant. This is my opinion, please feel free to disagree.

Anger: Good or Bad?

2005-09-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how many conversations I have had over the past few weeks revolving around the emotion of anger. It seems as though I am surrounded by people who are struggling with the validity of allowing themselves to feel this strong emotion. I think the Church has taught us that to feel anger is wrong. Anger and love, peace, joy cannot coexist with oneanother. It is the exact opposite of the fruit of the Spirit. So, with that in mind, what are we to do with this very real emotion of anger? I think many Christians, including myself, tend to bury this emotion, denying it's reality and believe that there must be something seriously wrong because "good" Christians don't get angry. I have been very relieved to find out that I am not alone. Dan Allender has a very interesting thought on this subject:

Love is not an absence of anger. Unfortunately, Christians have often neutered love by putting it at odds with anger. Love is not inconsistent with a holy hatred; in fact, an absence of righteous anger makes love anemic and devoid of passion.

I know that the Bible is very clear in its imperative not to sin in our anger, but that doesn't make feeling anger invalid. He who disagrees obviously has not read through the Psalms very thoroughly. Many times I've questioned why such depressing Psalms charged with negative emotion are in the Bible. I guess if anything, God is saying that He will meet us in whatever state we are in. We don't have to be happy-go-lucky all the time in order to be spiritual. God is not afraid of our anger, and I believe that He welcomes the raw honesty of our hearts before Him, anger and all.

Bring on the Questions

2005-09-09T23:01:00.000-05:00

I received an email from one of the professors at Bethany with the following quote:

Oswald Chambers has said that we don’t truly own our faith unless we have struggled over it in some form. Belief is not pure acceptance. God desires interaction and He revels in our working through the process of believing Him. He wrestled with Jacob and even let him win.

So don’t be afraid to question. Even doubt is a legitimate step in the process of faith. God welcomes the serious questioner. It means we care enough to persist in finding the answers we need. The person who is threatened by questions has much too small of an understanding of God.

This really struck a chord in me as this process of questioning is something that I have struggled with over the past few years. I was brought up with the mindset that to question God, or the Biblical teaching that I received was somehow sinful, or at least a sign of my lacking faith. I know that ultimately I can never fully understand God nor completely comprehend His ways, but there's something about asking questions and wrestling with the deep things of God that makes me want to know Him more. There is personal ownership in the sometimes difficult pursuit of knowledge that I would not possess if I did not seek it out on my own. Most of my life I have based my belief of God on what others taught simply because I trusted that they knew what they were talking about. I never thought about searching the Scriptures out in order to gain a more intimate knowledge of God. I was satisfied to let someone else do the work. The promise given to those who search Him out wholeheartedly is that He will be found. He will honor the seeking heart with the revelation of who He is and who we are in Him. It's almost as if God is sitting in heaven saying, "Go ahead, bring on the questions...ask, seek, knock and see what you will find."

I just can't say no!

2005-09-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

Tonight, Heather and I went to the Half Price Bookstore in St. Louis Park. I like this store a lot. In fact, it's kind of a dangerous place for me to go because I usually find a couple books that I want to buy and it's hard to resist because the books are so cheap. This particular trip was to sell books, not to buy. Heather had a box full of books given to her and I had left over books from the Bluer garage sale. While we were waiting to receive their offer for our books, I wandered back to the religion section. I normally peruse the shelves and look for particular authors like Brennan Manning, Henri Nouwen, AW Tozer, or Elisabeth Elliot. As I was scanning the shelves looking to see a name that I recognized, a book that I thought I would never see at a store like this jumped out at me. There it was, Pleasures Evermore by Sam Storms sticking out like a sore thumb. I first heard about this book when I was at a conference down in Kansas City a few years ago. The author is associated with the International House of Prayer down in Kansas City and I have heard great things about the book. I guess I just never expected to see a Kansas City IHOP author at the Half Price Bookstore. Anyways, I'm standing in the aisle knowing that I just can't pass up a deal like this. If I were to buy this book from IHOP it would cost me at least twice what I would be paying...I was hooked. Now this is the part that kills me. I brought in at least a dozen books to sell and walked out with one book that was "worth" the dozen I sold plus $2. I'm glad I bought the book, but something about that whole transaction just seemed wrong. I guess I'm just a sucker that can't say no!

Trust

2005-08-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

I usually like to think that I am a trusting person, but when a situation comes my way where I find myself having to take a step in pitch black darkness, not really sure where my foot will land, the reality of my trusting nature, or lack thereof, is made painfully clear. It's comforting to at least know the general direction in which one is heading. I remember in college playing a game where certain people were blindfolded and the people who weren't had to direct those who were blind from point A to point B using spoken commands like "right," "left," or "straight ahead." Those who had to trust their guide with each step moved very cautiously with hands stretched out front in fear of running into something they couldn't see. It's very obvious that this blind trust does not come easily and yet it's this very kind of trust that God calls us to. Do I really fear no evil when walking in darkness through the valley of the shadow of death? If I had my own torch to light the way, of course I would not fear. But God does not call us to guide and protect ourselves. He provides His rod and staff to guide us along the way. The difficult part, for me at least, is learning to find comfort in the way He chooses to lead. I am finding that I don't naturally find His rod and staff comforting in the midst of darkness. More often than not, I think I fight against Him trying to find my own way through the valley, and then He has to go leave the other 99 sheep to rescue me once again. To trust Him is to understand my utter depravity and my inability to safely go anywhere on my own.

"There is way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death" - Proverbs 14:12

Does anyone know what day it is?

2005-08-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

It's been a rather odd phenomenon for me to be completely oblivious to time. Over the past few weeks, I feel like I am constantly looking at the calendar to see what the date is...just today within a 30 minute period, I had to look 3 different times because I kept on forgetting. Before I sat down at my computer tonight, I thought it had to be at least midnight, so imagine my surprise when it was only a little after 10pm! I'm usually very conscious of both date and time, so it just feels weird not to be driven by those elements anymore. With my old job, I always knew what day it was in conjunction with the end of the payperiod and month end. My whole life seemed to be caught up in this speeding whirlwind of a revolving door...by the time the monthend process had come to an end, we were already into the first week of the month with only 3 more weeks left until the same process would begin again. On a smaller scale, every other Friday was the end of the payperiod. It was pertinent for me to remain on top of certain responsibilities in order to transmit payroll on time, which some weeks seemed to be a horrific feat...and then the process would start all over again. Before I knew it, payroll transmittal day was knocking at my door. I'm not really sure why I'm going on and on about this, it's kind of pointless...I guess if anything, I am just relieved to be out of the revolving door of the accounting world. Next week is the end of August and I don't have a care in the world - the world of accounting that is!

Small Town Folks

2005-08-20T20:10:00.000-05:00

A couple of times this week, a few different people have made some observations about small town folks. Today, these observations were reinforced. It has been said, to me anyways, that people living in small towns can't see beyond their own nose (not in those exact words, but pretty close). I don't mean to bash small town folks. I'm sure that a large part of this is a result of their environment. They talk about what they know, and struggle to see anything outside their realm of knowledge. Now, I'm sure that not every person living in a small town is like this, but this has been my experience recently. The thing that makes me really sad is when this begins to seep into the church. I know that I was once like this - not able to perceive anything outside of my immediate experience. This is why I am so thankful for my time spent in the House of Prayer. We prayed for the complete body of Christ, not just the church or denomination that we aligned ourselves with. My eyes were opened to see that the body of Christ was so much larger and just as valuable as the Assemblies of God (my personal experience). Today I had a conversation with a few ladies who made judgements on a particular missions organization based on how close this ministry aligns itself to the A/G. It seemed that the denominational affiliation of the ministry and whether or not they taught about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit was more important than the fact that this ministry has a heart to see the kingdom of God spread throughout the world. To me, this was very unnerving. My skin was literally crawling as I tried to figure out how I could somehow change the subject. God does not live in the box of our denominations or doctrinal beliefs. His thoughts are so much higher than ours. This challenges me to examine my own heart to see how I may have somehow tried to shove God into a box to serve my own agendas. I do pray that God would give us the Spirit of wisdom and revelation to see Him as He truly is, not just how we perceive Him to be based on our experience.

Just one more thing...

2005-08-18T22:25:00.000-05:00

I just have to say that I am loving my job at Bethany. I can't remember the last time my job has inspired me the way that I've been inspired over the past week. It's like a faucet has been turned on and there is this constant internal flowing of thoughts and ideas in my head. I think for so long I felt such a lack of purpose in my life, and it feels as if I've finally been pointed in the right direction and now I'm off to follow the yellow brick road...except what lies at the end of this road is far greater than the Emerald City and the One that I am seeking cannot even be compared to the Wizard of Oz. Despite all the troubles and dangers that may lie ahead, I know that I will not be disappointed.

Just when you least expect it...

2005-08-18T22:04:00.000-05:00

...God blesses your socks off! Tonight, my friend Jen and I had the incredible privilege of praying for a beautiful woman named Maria. For the last 10 years, Maria has been living in Amsterdam and recently came back to the states to be with her family because of some serious health issues. Her brother, who lives here in Minneapolis, somehow found our church and called our pastor to ask if we would be willing to come and agree with Maria for God's healing in her body. She has no support system here in the Twin Cities other than her immediate family, and just the fact that Bluer was chosen to come along side her in prayer is so amazing to me. Out of all the churches in the area, we have been given this opportunity to bless this family, and yet in so many ways I am convinced that God has placed this situation before us to bless us and remind us that He has not forgotten us, that He desires to use us for His glory, and that He has an amazing plan and purpose for our church. It is a beautiful thing to be so intricately connected to believers all around the world because of the love we share for Jesus. I am truly blessed by this encounter with Maria.

"How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity...for there the Lord bestows His blessing, even life forevermore."
Psalm 133:1, 3

My How Time Flies...

2005-08-11T17:51:00.000-05:00

The past several weeks have been jam packed with change! Between packing and moving, ending one job, overseeing the Bluer Garage Sale, taking a quick camping trip and starting a new job, I've been a little busy...hence the blog silence. Here's a quick overview of the past few weeks:

Moving...
Heather and I moved to South Minneapolis the last weekend of July. At the very same time, Bluer, moved to a new location - Calvary Church on Blaisdell and 26th. Between the two moves, there was a lot of packing, cleaning, moving, unpacking, etc. My room is still a disaster area, but the rest of the house is starting to look good. We will have to have a house warming party sometime soon.

No More Accounting...
As of August 4th, I am officially done with accounting (at least for the Embassy Suites). The last three weeks were nearly torture. My trip to the Boundary Waters completely did away with any remaining motivation to work. It still hasn't completely sunk in that I am done with that job. It almost feels like I'm on a vacation. I'm sure that will soon change!

Bluer Garage Sale...
Early mornings, hot weather, organizing junk, oh I mean "stuff" - that pretty much sums up the garage sale. We walked away with a few hundred dollars to donate to the church, plus less junk/stuff, so it was worth it! Thanks to Patsy, Jessica and Kari for all your help!

Camping...
I decided at the end of July that I wanted to take a camping trip before I started my new job. I was practically obsessed with REI Outlet and the Department of Natural Resources website for a couple weeks. You can ask Heather - every time she came home, she would say, "Are you on REI.com again?" or "Are you looking for campsites now?" For some reason, I just had to go camping. I spent this past weekend up on the North Shore at Split Rock Lighthouse State Park. I had to hike 1.4 miles to my campsite, which involved about 6 flights of stairs that kicked my butt! I have decided that camping in the regular campground will be just fine next time. I must say though, that my campsite was beautiful. I had at least 600 feet of shoreline all to myself. I didn't see anyone out my way the whole entire trip. I would share pictures, but when I got my camera out the first night, I discovered that my batteries were dead. I was severely disappointed! Overall, I would say it was a good trip.

Hello Bethany...
I started my new job yesterday. I am the executive assistant for the CEO of Bethany Press International. I am quickly learning that I am entering a world of acronyms - BPI, BCOM, BI, BMI, L-Team, M-Team, OPT, TA, and the list could go on. I think that I am really going to like this job. I know that every workplace has it's ups and downs, but I just can't get over the fact that I am working for an organization that is focused on advancing the Kingdom of God. It feels a little surreal, kind of like the feeling I first had at Central Bible College...I was absolutely enamored with the fact that I had the privilege to sit and learn about God all day long. It just seemed too good to be true.
I am already making great contacts with people. I met one guy who spent 9 months in Bangladesh just this past year, as well as another person whose family does missions work in Bangladesh. There is a possibility that I could join her family members on a trip there this winter. I count it a blessing to be surrounded by people with a heart for missions. I would say that this is definitely a step in the right direction for my future goals.

God is good. He has been faithful to open incredible doors, and to sustain and strenghten me during this time of transition. I couldn't imagine living without Him!

Today...

2005-07-21T21:59:00.000-05:00

Today has been a great day. Here are just a few of the highlights:

I was offered a job at Bethany Press International.
I accepted the job offer, thankful for God's gracious timing and provision.
Upon arriving home from work, I received a package from Amazon.com containing materials to help me learn Bengali that I didn't think I would receive for another week.
I sent off an email to a contact of mine in Bangladesh informing him of my plans to visit this winter as well as asking for any direction that he could offer for ministry opportunities while I am there.
One of my co-workers and I had a great conversation about God at work. He said that he would like to come to Bluer sometime to hear me preach. I was humbled by his sincerity and eagerness to talk about God.

I guess if anything, all of these events have reminded me that God knows all that I need, that He is well acquainted with the desires of my heart, and that in this fragile jar of clay, the reflection of who He is shines through in order that others may be drawn to Him.

Lessons From the Wildnerness Part 2

2005-07-19T20:23:00.000-05:00

During our down time in the afternoon, I would usually plant myself on a large rock next to the water to read, journal, or take a nap. I remember thinking one afternoon as I was drifting in and out of sleep, "Why is this more comfortable than sleeping in my tent at night?" There was something about the warmth of the rock, the cool breeze blowing in from the lake, and the way my body conformed to the rock that set me at ease. As I focused on this sense of touch, my mind began to draw a parallel between the rock I was laying on and God, my sure foundation, the solid rock upon which I stand. As I entrust myself to Him, conforming my body, soul, and spirit to His lordship, He becomes my source of comfort and rest. I can bask in the safety of His strength and the certainty of His faithfulness knowing that He remains the same.

Right before Jesus concluded the Sermon on the Mount, He likened those who heard His words and followed them to the wise man who built his house upon a rock. When the storms raged, the house did not collapse because it was founded upon a firm foundation. We would be wise then to conform ourselves to the heart of Jesus. More than just following a vast array of rules and regulations, the Sermon on the Mount speaks of becoming intimately acquainted with the desires of God's heart. Our security, rest and comfort comes in seeking first the heart of God and living in sync with His heartbeat.

Lessons From the Wilderness Part 1

2005-07-17T15:54:00.000-05:00

Each morning on the trip, before breakfast, we would spend some quiet time with the Lord. During this time, we would read through a portion of the Sermon on the Mount that would be discussed later in the day. We were also assigned one of the five senses, taking time to focus on our surroundings and allow God to speak to us through that particular sense. The first morning we used our sense of sight. Almost immediately, I noticed the reflection of the shoreline in the water. As I contemplated on the beauty of the water's reflection of nature, God began to reveal to my heart that we, like the water, reflect His glory and beauty, His character and nature. While the reflection in the water was never a perfectly clear image of the shoreline, there were times that it came close. Throughout the rest of the week, I paid close attention to the reflection of nature in the water. Sometimes I had difficulty seeing the reflection especially around the rapids. Other times, as the wind blew across the lake, the reflection was distorted, but nevertheless still there. As I studied the various types of reflections within the water, I found myself praying that God would allow my life to be a clear reflection of who He is. Perhaps the various conditions of the water can be compared to the various seasons of our lives. The reflection is always there, just not always as clear as we may like it to be. The good news is that we are constantly being transformed into His likeness. Each storm that rolls in, every rushing rapid that we find ourselves in midst of serves a purpose in this tranformational process. As we gaze upon our Creator with unveiled faces, we are becoming more and more like Him until the day we see His face.

"As for me, I will see your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in your likeness."
Psalm 17:15

BWX Cliff Jumping

2005-07-17T09:23:00.000-05:00

This is me jumping off of a 40 ft. cliff! If you would have asked me a week ago if I would do such a thing, I would have said, "Are you crazy?" The first day at base camp, there was talk of cliff jumping and I wanted no part of that. I was still trying to get used to the idea of canoeing around the wildnerness for 5 days and jumping off of a cliff was a little over the edge for me, pardon the pun.

Nevertheless, the cliff jumping day came. We paddled about 6 miles to Fish Dance Lake stopping to pick wild blueberries along the way. I had pretty much already made up my mind that I was not going to jump, and that was solidified once we arrived at the cliffs and climbed to the top. After everyone else took their jump, we sat down to eat lunch and take a nap in the shade. The entire time I was laying there, I couldn't think of anything else but the jump. I was letting fear rule my decisions. As I started toying with the idea of jumping, I was scared out of my mind, but at the same time exhilarated at the thought that I could actually do this - I could overcome my fear, take the jump and have an incredible story to tell. As we were packing things up, I knew this was my last chance. It was now or never. I told Melody that I thought that I might want to jump. She yelled over the cliff to the guys that I was going for it. In my head I pictured myself walking right to the edge and jumping off. How hard could that be? Once I reached the edge, my head was still saying, "You can do this", but my body was literally shaking. At that point, my head was ready to jump, but my body wasn't going anywhere. After a brief moment of doubt, I closed my eyes, plugged my nose, and took the plunge!

I received a magnet from a friend that says, "Live a life you are too afraid to be in, but too afraid to not live." This was a great day in my life. I was able to overcome my fear and accomplish that which I would never have envisioned myself doing. This day I truly lived.

More than a vacation...

2005-07-16T11:26:00.000-05:00

My trip to the Boundary Waters was a life changing experience. I definitely received more out of this trip than what I ever bargained for. As we were heading out the first day into the great unknown, I was still a little apprehensive about what the week would bring. I would never have imagined that I would walk away from this trip with such strong emotions from simply spending one week in the wilderness. On the last day of the trip, we set aside a two hour "solo" to be able to reflect on the journey that was taken. (Unfortunately, that "solo" time was cut short by a storm moving in, but it was great to have a time of reflection anyways.) Here are a few of the gems that I rediscovered while in the Boundary Waters:

Simplicity of life is a beautiful thing:
This trip reinforced the true joy found in living simply. The more "stuff" one has, the more difficult it can be to get through life. This proved evident as we bypassed several groups at the portages between lakes. We carried just enough in order to make one trip across the portage, as opposed to making two or three trips back and forth like so many groups we ran into. With very minimal clothing, shelter and the basic necessities of life, my happiness was no less than if I would have been able to pack some of the luxuries that make life more comfortable. My joy was found in hard, sometimes painful work, breath-takingly beautiful surroundings, great community and intimate fellowship with God. Taking this trip really put material possessions into perspective. There is a huge difference between what I really need to live, and the things that merely make life seemingly more comfortable. I have found that I can do without finer things and enjoy life just the same, if not more.

I must follow the passions of my heart:
To settle for anything less would be a travesty. I saw this lived out in the life of our guide, Kenny. It was a great privelege to be able to get to know Kenny over the week and see him living out his dreams. Every day, he would look at us and say, "Hey guys, guess what...this is my job!" Not only is he doing what he loves right now, come August he will be returning to Mozambique for a month, where he will most likely end up someday in the near future. He inspired me to not only dream big, but to pursue my dreams with perseverance. I was very surprised at the strong emotions for Bangladesh that this trip evoked deep within my heart. I must admit that there have been several times over the past few years where I have told myself that I would never make it to Bangladesh. But there was something about this trip that aroused a deep hunger to fulfill my God-given destiny. I realize that this destiny is ginormously larger and more complex than what my limited vision can see, but I have returned with a renewed ambition to not only work in Bangladesh, but to also flourish where I am planted right now. I found myself many times seeking God for a greater vision and purpose for my role at Bluer. I want to be changed by the community that I live in, and to serve as a catalyst for change within others around me.

I know this post is getting a little long, so I will share more in detail about the trip in posts to come. Thanks Nick for the beautiful picture!

A Much Needed Vacation...

2005-07-08T20:46:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I leave with a group of Bluerites for the Boundary Waters. I honestly cannot remember the last time I took a full week off of work. It will be great to get away and experience the beauty of God's creation. I'm used to camping - growing up, my family would camp each summer in the mountains of Colorado, but this is going to be extreme camping. We are carrying all of our gear with us for 5 days as we canoe around the Boundary Waters. There will be no showers, minimal change of clothing, and no deodorant. Sometimes I wonder what I've signed up for, but nevertheless, I am excited for the adventure that lies ahead.

Throughout the week, we will be studying the Sermon on the Mount, and communing with God, eachother, and nature. I am looking forward to getting away from all of the daily distractions that seem to vie for my attention and focus on God. As we all set out on this trip at different places in our lives, I am full of anticipation to see how God will meet us and bind us together as brothers and sisters in Christ.

Expect to hear many stories when I return!

Count Down...

2005-07-06T22:31:00.000-05:00

Three more weeks until we move to Minneapolis...
And four weeks and 2 days until I'm done with my job!!!

Blog Tag

2005-07-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

I've been tagged by Patsy - Here are the rules:

Blog these 5 items:

What is the total number of books you have ever owned?
What is the last book you bought?
What is the last book you read?
Name 5 books that mean a lot to you.
Tag 5 more people and pass it on!

Total number of books I've owned?
Wow, that's a tough one. I've always been a big reader and buying books is one of my weaknesses. I don't think I've ever left the Half Price Bookstore without making a purchase. I just packed 4 boxes of books (and I'm not done yet) plus I have some books in storage somewhere, so I would say a lot.

The last book I bought?
I think the last book I bought was "Searching for God Knows What" by Donald Miller.

The last book I read?
I am currently reading "Power Evangelism" by John Wimber and just finished reading "The Quest for the Radical Middle" by Bill Johnson.

Five books that mean a lot to me?
This is also a tough one. It will be hard to narrow it down to just five, but I'll try.
1. The Pursuit of God - A.W. Tozer
2. A Chance to Die - Elisabeth Elliot
3. The City of Joy - Dominique Lapierre
4. Ruthless Trust - Brennan Manning
5. Bridal Intercession - Gary Weins

Others worth mentioning:
A Street in Marrakech - Elizabeth Warnock Fernea
The Way of the Heart - Henri Nouwen
The Sacred Romance and The Journey of Desire - John Eldridge
God's Smuggler - Brother Andrew
Broken Bangles - Hanifa Deen

Procrastination

2005-06-24T21:24:00.000-05:00

I have a message that I need to work on and I find myself doing everything but that...so I took an MIT weblog survey. As Nick (the one who sent me the link) said, "You should, too!"

Being Called

2005-06-22T21:08:00.000-05:00

I recently read a thought provoking post on a friend's blog about being "called."
In response, our pastor commented about how our calling is not separate from who we've been created to be. Can one feel called to something and then change their mind? Can someone's calling evolve and change into something else? I have no doubt that every person was created with a specific purpose that was conceived in the heart of God before the foundations of the world. It's just tapping into this purpose that sometimes feels a little elusive. Maybe our calling has more to do with our potential, and because of our free will, we ultimately decide whether or not we will reach the fullness of the purpose we were created for. One thing I'm learning for sure, is that I shouldn't view my calling as some future event that I'm patiently waiting for, but I am called right here, right now for a specific purpose and plan. All I need to do is connect with the heart of God and trust that He will reveal the desires of His heart.

Prophetic Words of Wisdom

2005-06-20T21:29:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how life never quite pans out the way I want it to. As I was preparing to graduate from college, I was very confident of my future plans to return to Bangladesh. In my head, I had all the details clearly mapped out - the only obstacle standing between me and my perfect plan was the debt I incurred during college. If I could have, I would have jumped at the first opportunity to go to Bangladesh, knowing that with my diploma in hand, I was ready for any challenge. Now, a few years older and wiser, I don't think I would have lasted very long had that opportunity arose. In reflecting over the past few years, I would have to say that I have received a different sort of education. An education where the Holy Spirit has been my teacher, the Word my text book, and life my classroom. If anyone would have asked me five years ago where I would be now, I would never have placed myself in this current setting. In fact, if I would have been able to see just a glimpse of the future, I probably would have considered myself to be a borderline heretic. It seems as though I've gone through one paradigm shift after the next (each one a little further from my Pentecostal roots), and I think I'm really just beginning to understand who God is, and who I am in God - two very important things to know before one travels half way around the world to live in a poverty stricken country. Realistically, I know that this education of sorts will take a lifetime to learn, so to believe that I will "know it all" before I go to Bangladesh would only be foolish. However, I am thankful that I have been able to gain such valuable knowledge surrounded by people of like faith and passion for God. I couldn't begin to imagine what living in Bangladesh would be like without the knowledge that I've gained - kind of scary like the people living in the Matrix who have no clue about the "real" world. I guess what spurred all this on was an email that I reread from January 2001. I don't think my friend knew how "prophetic" her words were at that time.

I keep praying for your next move after graduation. Don't move fast even
though you feel an urgency to get to Bangladesh and start fulfilling your
call. Getting ready is part of the "call". What you learn after you leave
college in the next few years, will be most important and necessary
preparation for your move to Bangladesh. I pray you will move slowly and in
the will of God.

The Quest

2005-06-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

God is so much bigger than I, to my own detriment, give Him credit for. I've been reading "The Quest for the Radical Middle" by Bill Johnson, which is an intriguing history of the Vineyard Movement. It has spurred a lot of soul searching in my own life. These are just a few of the questions that I have been wrestling with over the past week:

What do I believe about healing?
Have I settled with just merely believing in the gifts of the Spirit for today instead of ardently seeking them out?
Do I take the holiness of God seriously, or have I grown accustomed to presuming upon His grace without any real change?
Do I want comfort, stability, and the acceptance of man more than I want the power of God in my life?

If what I am reading in this book is true, why do I live a life so far below the standard of exceeding greatness that freely belongs to each and every believer? I know that there is so much more that God has for my life if only I am willing to deny myself (offending my flesh), pick up my cross (offending the world), and follow Him (pleasing His heart).

There is a quote from the book that cut deeply into my heart, revealing what I believe is the passionate desire of God to awaken and prepare His slumbering bride - "God is in the business of offending the mind to expose the heart." Purity of heart is so often discarded in order to preserve the stubborness of our minds - we insist that our way is the right way, elevating ourselves in spiritual pride at the expense of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Not only that, we (the Church) are so far from understanding that our selfish and prideful interactions with one another explicitly go against the very words of Jesus in John 17 - "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." The way we interact with one another impacts the way the world thinks about God, and yet so often we insist on winning petty arguments in order to validate what we believe is right.

The patience of God is so amazing. If I were in His place I probably would have blown the world up by now and started all over. However, He is way more gracious than I, willing to go to great lengths to expose the motivations of our hearts in order draw us closer to Him, bringing glory to His name.

I had no idea what I was in for when I started the "Quest". Sometimes I think that God likes to catch us off-guard!

Tagore

2005-06-07T19:53:00.000-05:00

While going through a box of books left to me by my friend Marian, I discovered a book of poetry by Rabindranath Tagore - highly regarded as the greatest literary figure to come out of India. I remember being asked numerous times in Bangladesh if I knew of Tagore, and it didn't take very long for me to become acquainted with his works.

As I started thumbing through "Gitanjali", I was deeply moved by his poetry. If one didn't know better, one could easily assume that Tagore was a Christian. His poetry is deeply spiritual, and I have found my heart resonating with the beauty of his words.

If thou speakest not I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it.
I will keep still and wait like the night with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.
The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish, and thy voice pour down in golden streams breaking through the sky.
Then they words will take wing in songs from every one of my birds' nests, and thy melodies will break forth in flowers in all my forest groves.

38
That I want thee, only thee - let my heart repeat without end.
All desires that distract me, day and night, are false and empty to the core.
As the night keeps hidden in its gloom the petition for light, even thus in the depth of my unconsciousness rings the cry - I want thee, only thee.
As the storm still seeks its end in peace when it strikes against peace with all its might, even thus my rebellion strikes against thy love and still its cry is - I want thee, only thee.

Loving and Losing

2005-05-29T01:08:00.000-05:00

I am going to Willmar (where I grew up) for the first time since my friend Marian passed away in March. Over the past few days, I've been trying to prepare myself for the trip knowing that the reality of her homegoing will more than likely hit me like a ton of bricks. In the past, it was a given that when I was in town a visit to her humble home was a high priority on my list of things to do. We would usually share a meal together (almost always chicken curry) and then spend the rest of our time catching up on eachother's lives, taking a stroll around the neighborhood in the summer, reading an excerpt either from the Message or a devotional book of A.W. Tozer's writings, occasionally watching a Gaither video, and never without fail ending our time in prayer. Now, as I am returning to pack up the last of the belongings that she left for me, the incredible loss of this special friendship is really sinking in. No longer will there be any special meals shared between the two of us, no more words of wisdom to be imparted, no more times of approaching the throne of grace together. I guess I was never really ready for the day that Marian would go Home. Like an innocent child, I thought she would be here forever. Losing those you love really sucks, but having the chance to love in the first place is worth the loss. I have no doubt that my life is incredibly richer because of loving and being loved by Marian. I am reminded of this quote by C.S. Lewis that has had a profound impact on my life:

"There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, imprenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."

I am learning the truth that to love and experience loss is far better than to have not loved at all.

Paying by Fingerprint

2005-05-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

I read this article on biometric payment systems in the Star Tribune today at lunch...It kind of hits home when they're testing it out right here in the Twin Cities. I guess for me it's a reality check that we really are getting closer to the End Times.

Thinking Out Loud...

2005-05-16T19:20:00.000-05:00

Someone told me today that familiarity is the breeding ground for intimacy. When I think of the word familiarity I think of the Cheers theme song - "Sometimes you want to go, where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same, You wanna be where everybody knows your name." I believe there is an intrinsic desire in every human being to know and to be known...to fit in somewhere in which one can feel the comfort and safety of the familiar. Yet, when thinking about the word intimacy, most people have the tendency to shrink back at the very mention of the word. The best I can figure is that we want familiarity enough to feel safe, but not to the extent where others can see right through us, which is intimacy. I find it interesting that the very thing that we find comfort and safety in (familiarity) serves as the breeding ground for that which is most often seen as, in a sense, dangerous and uncomfortable (intimacy).

As I was driving home, I started wondering if this applies to my relationship with God. I hear people say that God has become too familiar to us, that we have brought Him down to our level, so much that we no longer hold a reverent, holy fear of our Creator. I understand that line of thinking, and yet I can't help but believe that the more familiar I become with God, His character and nature, and the more that I am real with Him, not just parading around what I think are my best attributes in order to gain His approval, the closer I will grow with Him in relationship.

Just thinking out loud...

Divine Dogs

2005-05-14T16:13:00.000-05:00

I was shopping with my friend Shelley this afternoon and while browsing in an eclectic little shop we ran across the cutest book of "portraits of divine dogs" with a very clever title - Cat Spelled Backwards Doesn't Spell God.

Book Description
Who trembles for you when you are sad, hangs his head when you are mad, and drools on you as if you were the most beautiful, brilliant, and tremendously fragrant of them all? A cat? No, a dog. With all due apology to the cats out there, the title of this book could not be more accurate. Dogs are the most loyal of friends, the most indiscriminate of companions, and the only ones who will always adore you--even when you're bad. The dogs featured here range from an Irish Wolfhound named Brennain, who opposes war, fleas, and pills, to a pug puppy named Sydney whose only dislike is reading the daily newspaper--so she poops on it instead. Author Jeff Selis's tribute to our slobbery, four-legged friends urges us to follow their lead for awhile and stop thinking about traffic jams and cloudy days and alarm clocks, and instead take time to smell the flowers, the trees... the cute terrier down the street. This book of canine portraits will bring a smile even to those feline types who bitterly wish that T-A-C spelled GOD.

People

2005-05-11T18:43:00.000-05:00

It's so much easier to see God in people when you like them...

This past Saturday I spoke at Bluer and the main gist of the message was finding God in those who bear His image, which according to Genesis 1:26 anyone who calls himself a human being bears the image of God. And of course, in the wake of delivering this message, what I do versus what I say is being put to the test. It's pretty effortless to see God in the really nice people that are easy to get along with, who are undemanding and kind in heart. Those, on the other hand, who do not fit that description, make the second greatest commandment (loving others as yourself) a challenging task. It's humbling to have to weed through all the nasty junk that naturally flows out of our fallenness in order to see the beauty of God that is inherent in His creation. Sometimes I selfishly want to write certain people off as being complete idiots who are not worthy of my time or affection, but I know that goes against the very nature of God. After all, He voluntarily looks past all of my garbage and takes great delight in who He has created me to be. Shouldn't I be willing to extend this same grace to others? In theory it sounds completely doable, but in practice my flesh cringes at the thought of having to die to itself in order to esteem others as better than myself. In the Gospel of John, right after Jesus washes the disciples feet, he gives them the command to perform this humbling task for one another and then he tops it all off by saying, "Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master." I remember the first time I actually understood what Jesus was saying here. It's quite a loaded comment if you really think about it. Every time I refuse to do for others what Christ has done for me, I am considering myself greater than Him - not something I would ever purposely think, but more times than not, my thoughts and actions betray my supposed humility. I am desperately praying that God would give me supernatural eyes to see what cannot be seen in the natural.

Links 2

2005-05-06T16:14:00.000-05:00

I figured it out!!! Apparently I shouldn't have been typing "www" in the URL address. Now I can go take a nap!

Links

2005-05-06T15:06:00.000-05:00

I have attempted to add some links to my blog - and I was getting bored with the template, so I changed that too. Anyways, I have been following the blogger instructions on how to add links to the template, and I'm getting really frustrated because it's not working for me!!! Mark would say that it's a user error, but I swear that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. It's really beyond me how anyone can understand all this code. It's like a foreign language. This is really going to bug me until I can figure it out, and I will figure it out!

Drooling Cats

2005-05-03T19:39:00.000-05:00

So, I'm sitting here at the computer trying read some blogs with a purring cat on my lap, who also happens to be drooling all over the keyboard. I think it's kind of funny that this cat drools buckets when you pet her. I usually associate drooling with babies and dogs and people sleeping on airplanes with their mouths open. I've never considered myself to be a cat person - in fact I always thought I didn't like cats, but that's probably because my parents don't like cats, so I just assumed that I didn't like them either. The last few days, I've been house/cat sitting for a friend, and I've discovered that cats aren't really that bad. Now, I have run across my fair share of cats who I am convinced are the spawn of satan, but the two cats I've been hanging out with have redeemed my preconceived ideas that all cats are that way. I don't necessarily think that I'll be rushing out anytime soon to get a cat myself, but I am much more fond of the feline species now that I've had a chance to bond with a few of them. If I ever did decide to get a cat, I would probably have to stop wearing black as much as I do, because I've learned that cats and black clothing don't really mix - especially black fleece!

CPR Continued...

2005-04-30T10:17:00.000-05:00

For some reason this morning, I kept asking God not to let anything major happen at work today. Part of it is because it's Month End, and I would love nothing more than to hide in my office all day without any interruptions so I can actually get stuff done. The other part of it is that I tend to not think very clearly - well I guess you could say I kind of freak out - when I'm in charge and there's an accident. So, I don't know if God was trying to be funny, or if He thought it would be good for me to face my fears, but as I was happily clearing away trays down in our complimentary breakfast area, thankful for a semi-slow morning, someone yells at me to go call 911. When I looked up, all I could see was a crowd of people surrounding someone laying on the floor. As I ran to the nearest phone, all I could think was, "Oh no, what if I have to give someone CPR!" Then I started to realize that I had broken the first rule of the CPR training I took earlier this week. I am supposed to assess the victim first in order to tell 911 exactly why I'm calling so they don't have to send out every type of emergency personnel. I felt kind of dumb calling 911, not really knowing why I was calling except that someone was laying on the ground in our atrium, but the dispatcher was really nice, and that made me feel better. Then the panic set in of, "I'm the manager on duty...I am the one responsible for making sure that this gets handled properly." It seemed as though a thousand thoughts flooded my head as I tried to recall the proper protocol for handling a situation such as this. As I returned to the crowd of people a little scared of what I might find, there sat a young woman on the floor with a towel full of ice on her head. Apparently she had fainted and hit her head on the tile floor. I was very relieved (for everyone's sake) that it was nothing more serious than it was, and that I didn't have to perform CPR on anyone (once again, for their sake, not my own). There was nothing more to do than wait for the EMT's to come and take control of the situation.

Now that all the excitement has passed and all the incident reports have been filled out and routed to the proper departments, I am exhausted! I normally wouldn't blog while I'm at work, but it helps to get it all out so I can focus on the rest of my day. I probably shouldn't say this, but I hope that nothing more out of the ordinary happens today. I don't know how much more excitement I can take!

Excerpts From Blue Like Jazz

2005-04-26T20:45:00.000-05:00

I just started reading Blue Like Jazz written by Don Miller. It came highly recommended from a very good friend of mine, so I thought I would pick it up - I've only gotten through 2 chapters, and so far it's a good read. He brilliantly weaves his life experiences with spiritual concepts that makes me want to keep on reading. Here are a few short excerpts that really stuck out to me:

"I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil, but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."

"I think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest."

"There is a poem by the literary critic C.S. Lewis that is more or less a confession...I always come back to this poem when I think soberly about my faith, about the general precepts of Christian spirituality, the beautiful precepts that indicate we are flawed, all of us are flawed, the corrupt politician and the pious Sunday school teacher. In the poem C.S. Lewis faces himself. He addresses his own depravity with a soulful sort of bravery:

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? The overwhelming majority of time I spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when I am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me."

I guess if you're not one for raw honesty, the book will probably make you feel a little uncomfortable, which wouldn't be such a bad thing. I'm learning that staying within your comfort zones doesn't really get you anywhere - or as Miller puts it, "habit prevents your heart from engaging God."

What's the point of CPR?

2005-04-25T19:47:00.000-05:00

Today I had to spend 4 hours in a CPR training class because I am a manager. I think it was the most interesting CPR class that I've ever taken. The instructor started out the class by asking us what the purpose of CPR was. An eager co-worker piped up answering, "To save someone's life." I thought this was a pretty good answer...it made sense in my head. Much to my surprise, our instructor replied, "Well, actually, chances are you won't be saving a life. 8 out of 10 times CPR is performed, the person doesn't make it." I was full of shock and disbelief at what my ears were hearing. I actually found myself thinking, "Well then what's the point of me sitting here, spending 4 hours of my time learning something that 8 out of 10 times won't make a difference?" Now that I have had time to process everything, I obviously realize that if this is true, it does make a difference for the 2 people who end up living. I guess I was just really put off by the way our instructor was presenting the material (there were other things he said as well that had me shaking my head in distaste) - it really would have been more helpful if he would have communicated the material in a more positive light. I do have to say that as I sit here typing this, I am powerfully aware of how I choose to communicate my words can impact others. I really do want to be one who communicates hope and life in our dark and fallen world.

I hope I never have to use my now somewhat sketchy knowledge of CPR on anyone (for their sake, not my own). But, if that day ever comes, I want to believe that what I am doing will make a difference. Maybe I should sign-up for a different class that won't leave me with such a bad taste in my mouth.

The Place of Privilege

2005-04-24T08:39:00.000-05:00

I went out for coffee this morning with my friend Shelley, and she said something that was really profound to me - "It's a privilege that God would go to such great lengths to make you like Him." I think that most of the time, I have this romantic notion in my head that the refining process of God is supposed to be gentle, sweet, and easy, but in reality I'm finding it's more like the hot, unrelenting fires of hell. Sitting in the kiln of the Refiner doesn't really feel like a privilege right now, but when I take a moment to reflect on the finished work that will be done, I know that my friend is right. Every now and then I think about the beautification process that Esther had to go through before she was ever presented to King Xerxes. It sounds so glamourous and exciting, but I can't help but think that at times it had to be grueling, not quite the pampering day at the spa that I picture it being. I guess when it's all said and done, I'm thankful for the promise of what God is doing even though at the moment it feels really crappy - "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who will also do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Broken Things

2005-04-20T22:45:00.000-05:00

Just thought I would share a couple thoughts in regards to brokenness...

"I have been reflecting on the inestimable value of 'broken things.' Broken pitchers gave ample light for victory (Judges 7:19-21); broken bread was more than enough for all the hungry (Matthew 14:19-21); broken box gave fragrance to all the world (Mark 14:3, 9); and broken body is salvation to all who believe and receive the Savior (Isaiah 53:5-6; 1 Corinthians 11:24). And what cannot the Broken One do with our broken hearts, plans and dreams?"
- V. Raymond Edman

"It is doubtful that God would use someone greatly until He has broken them deeply."
- A.W. Tozer

I think many times, the church, at least from my experience, has equated brokenness with being spiritually weak or immature, that which is of little value to God. It goes against the grain of our society to accept being broken - if something is broken, it automatically loses its value and is often thrown out in the garbage, no longer of any use to its owner. I can see why it's difficult for us to fully grasp the economy of God, where He chooses to use the weak, broken, and foolish things of the world to shame the wise. We naturally gravitate towards the wisdom of the world, trying to fix ourselves up in order to be of any use in the kingdom - but then who would receive the glory? To despise being broken is to despise the very wisdom of God.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels (broken, cracked, and fragile) that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us."
- 2 Corinthians 4:7

Higher

2005-04-17T10:22:00.000-05:00

I was going through one of my old journals the other day and came across an entry that I had forgotten about. My initial response was, "What kind of high was I on when I wrote this?" Even though it was less than a year ago, I feel so far removed from that season of my life. I guess you could say that I've taken a tumble down from the proverbial mountain top into the valley of the shadow of death. So, here I sit wistfully looking up to the heights from which I've fallen, bewildered at the circumstances I find myself in and fiercely wishing I could be back in that place of trust once again. And so I write this as an imperative to myself as I start the long trek back up the mountainside...

"Higher...I hear the faint whisper of my Lord calling me to come up higher. How easy it is to be overcome by the here and now
circumstances that weigh me down, slow me up, and keep me distracted from
the better part. If I would only listen more closely, He's always
calling, and in heeding to His call to rise up, I will be shaken from this
stupor of self-absorption and pity. Where is He calling me to? He's calling
me to come and see from His perspective, for His ways are so much higher than my own. In the midst of any circumstance my vision is limited, fallible and dim.
But, when I arise and go to meet Him, the eyes of my heart are opened and
my sight is consumed by His greatness as He draws near. Whatever circumstance I have left behind no longer remains the focus, but as the author and perfector of
my faith captures my gaze, this is where I am changed. We become what we behold and I no longer want to be consumed with my sorrow or wrapped up in my doubt. I am desperate for the Lover of my soul to consume my very
being. It's in this place of rising above that He applies the healing balm
of Gilead to my broken heart that has been bruised and wounded by the very
circumstances that I so desperately hold onto. He calls me higher, not to
disregard my brokenness, but to make me whole in Him. Listen beloved,
consider and incline your ear, listen to His gentle call...Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away...O my dove, in the clefts of the Rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your
face is lovely."

Paradigm Shift

2005-04-14T20:18:00.000-05:00

Tonight, as I was reading a chapter out of "Empowered Evangelicals" by Rich Nathan and Ken Wilson, this thought popped into my head - Can one call him or herself a Pentecostal without holding to the belief that speaking in tongues is the initial physical evidence of the Baptism of the Holy Spirit? If not, I am suddenly finding myself in an overwhelming identity crisis, for I have always considered myself to be a Pentecostal.

There's nothing quite like the alarming jolt of a paradigm shift...

Coffee Talk

2005-04-10T17:38:00.000-05:00

I am proud to say that I am officially considered a "regular" at the little coffee shop just down the street. No longer do I have to verbally communicate my order to the barista behind the counter - she knows as soon as I walk through the door exactly what I want. Now to some, this may appear to be boring and predictable, but to me it takes on a much deeper meaning than just ordering the same old thing every time I go to get coffee. It feels good to know that I have been noticed, set apart...I am no longer one of the many nameless, faceless coffee-lovers who pass through the doors of this fine establishment on a daily basis. I have been associated with the desire of my heart, so to speak. On a larger scale, this serves as a refreshing reminder that there is an Omniscient God who knows every word on my tongue before it's ever spoken into being. Not only has He taken notice of me, He is intimately acquainted with the deepest desires of my heart. And greater still, beyond just merely knowing my desires, He also longs to fulfill each and every single one of them, as only He can do. As my heart drinks in this reality, suddenly this vast God of the universe does not feel so far off anymore. In fact, He's much closer than I think.

Complete

2005-04-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

"...and you are complete in Him."

Colossians 2:10

What a thought too lofty to wrap my feeble brain around...in my frail, weak, and wretched state - in Christ - I am complete. There is nothing missing, I lack no good thing. I have all I've ever wanted, needed and desired in this man, Jesus of Nazareth. And yet there's a question that keeps nagging at the depth of my being, "Why should I have want for any other thing?" I am on a quest to find that which will satisfy the deep craving of my soul to be whole, and so many times I frantically look everywhere except the most obvious place - Jesus Christ. I am slowly and painfully finding that in my search for completeness, any garment (the approval of man, good works, wealth, reputation, worldly pleasures, etc.) other than His robes of righteousness will only leave me exposed and vulnerable. There is no need to look elsewhere for the only garment that truly fits...I no longer have to strive to fill in the empty places, the lacking parts, the cracks and crevices that I desperately hope no one will notice - He completes me, and this by His own good pleasure! There's something about arriving at the realization of this completeness in Christ that mere words cannot convey - It is a finished work that need not be repeated nor replicated. It is done, complete, all-sufficient. He has come and laid down His life, once and for all, that we may have this full, complete and abundant life in Him. My prayer now is that you, the Body of Christ, and I would live daily with the confidence of who we are in Him.

The Glory of Pain

2005-04-03T14:33:00.000-05:00

"As we allow ourselves to experience our own pain, we can know that what we feel is Christ suffering in us and redeeming us...there is no way of healing from the wounds each of us carries except through the love of Jesus Christ."

This is a quote from Brennan Manning's book, "The Signature of Jesus". For some odd reason, I have this notion in my head that there are people out there who are living lives free of pain and suffering. Now this may be true in the physical sense, but I highly doubt that there is anyone out there who hasn't received some type of emotional wounding. John Eldredge, the author of "The Sacred Romance", asserts that you cannot experience true joy and love without also encountering pain and suffering. Think about the people who are closest to you versus Joe Schmoe out on the street - the people we let into our inner most circle are the ones who will bring us the most joy as well as the possibility of the most pain. It's highly unlikely that we would gain the same amount of joy/pain from Joe Schmoe as from the people we love most dearly.

I would say that I would have to agree with Eldredge's assertion, and yet in light of this knowledge, most of the time I fear suffering and scorn the pain that my heart feels. I find myself desperately trying to numb the raw emotions of my heart, and yet in my head I know that to deny myself the experience of pain and suffering is to also deny the reality of the immense joy and love found in sharing life with those around me. It seems as though there may be only two roads to traverse - the first would be living alive to and aware of the pain and suffering that inevitably comes with life's greatest experiences, and the second, to harden my heart in order to protect myself from this pain and suffering (as well as joy and love). Sometimes I find myself believing that the latter road is much easier, less dangerous and maybe even safe. But then the Truth shatters the deceit of this illusion revealing that this second road is where my heart will slowly die - alone, cold, hard and devoid of all true love, joy and happiness. In light of this revelation, I would say that traveling the former road is comparably much more appealing than the latter.

Getting back to the quote from Manning, it's comforting to know that my suffering and pain is a part of the redemptive work of Christ in my life. He hasn't left me here to try and figure this out all on my own, but He has given me the Holy Spirit, by whom His love is poured out into my heart. I can't say that I fully understand how all of this works, but I am reminded that being a co-heir with Christ means that I will share in His sufferings, and yet this is so incredibly minute compared to the incomprehensible glory of God that will be revealed in my life.

To blog, or not to blog...

2005-04-02T11:25:00.000-06:00

To blog, or not to blog...this has been the question floating around in my head. I've had friends inquire as to whether I would start blogging or not. To be quite honest, blogging is relatively new to me. Before connecting with Bluer, a community of believers in South Minneapolis, I had heard of blogging, but didn't really know a whole lot about it, nor posess a desire to engage in this online trend. If anything, I didn't know what I would say or whether or not I would have enough time to blog, but here I am...blogging! I guess I'll give it a whirl.