Procrastination

I have a message that I need to work on and I find myself doing everything but that...so I took an MIT weblog survey. As Nick (the one who sent me the link) said, "You should, too!"

Being Called

I recently read a thought provoking post on a friend's blog about being "called."
In response, our pastor commented about how our calling is not separate from who we've been created to be. Can one feel called to something and then change their mind? Can someone's calling evolve and change into something else? I have no doubt that every person was created with a specific purpose that was conceived in the heart of God before the foundations of the world. It's just tapping into this purpose that sometimes feels a little elusive. Maybe our calling has more to do with our potential, and because of our free will, we ultimately decide whether or not we will reach the fullness of the purpose we were created for. One thing I'm learning for sure, is that I shouldn't view my calling as some future event that I'm patiently waiting for, but I am called right here, right now for a specific purpose and plan. All I need to do is connect with the heart of God and trust that He will reveal the desires of His heart.

Prophetic Words of Wisdom

It's amazing how life never quite pans out the way I want it to. As I was preparing to graduate from college, I was very confident of my future plans to return to Bangladesh. In my head, I had all the details clearly mapped out - the only obstacle standing between me and my perfect plan was the debt I incurred during college. If I could have, I would have jumped at the first opportunity to go to Bangladesh, knowing that with my diploma in hand, I was ready for any challenge. Now, a few years older and wiser, I don't think I would have lasted very long had that opportunity arose. In reflecting over the past few years, I would have to say that I have received a different sort of education. An education where the Holy Spirit has been my teacher, the Word my text book, and life my classroom. If anyone would have asked me five years ago where I would be now, I would never have placed myself in this current setting. In fact, if I would have been able to see just a glimpse of the future, I probably would have considered myself to be a borderline heretic. It seems as though I've gone through one paradigm shift after the next (each one a little further from my Pentecostal roots), and I think I'm really just beginning to understand who God is, and who I am in God - two very important things to know before one travels half way around the world to live in a poverty stricken country. Realistically, I know that this education of sorts will take a lifetime to learn, so to believe that I will "know it all" before I go to Bangladesh would only be foolish. However, I am thankful that I have been able to gain such valuable knowledge surrounded by people of like faith and passion for God. I couldn't begin to imagine what living in Bangladesh would be like without the knowledge that I've gained - kind of scary like the people living in the Matrix who have no clue about the "real" world. I guess what spurred all this on was an email that I reread from January 2001. I don't think my friend knew how "prophetic" her words were at that time.

I keep praying for your next move after graduation. Don't move fast even
though you feel an urgency to get to Bangladesh and start fulfilling your
call. Getting ready is part of the "call". What you learn after you leave
college in the next few years, will be most important and necessary
preparation for your move to Bangladesh. I pray you will move slowly and in
the will of God.

The Quest

God is so much bigger than I, to my own detriment, give Him credit for. I've been reading "The Quest for the Radical Middle" by Bill Johnson, which is an intriguing history of the Vineyard Movement. It has spurred a lot of soul searching in my own life. These are just a few of the questions that I have been wrestling with over the past week:

• What do I believe about healing?
• Have I settled with just merely believing in the gifts of the Spirit for today instead of ardently seeking them out?
• Do I take the holiness of God seriously, or have I grown accustomed to presuming upon His grace without any real change?
• Do I want comfort, stability, and the acceptance of man more than I want the power of God in my life?

If what I am reading in this book is true, why do I live a life so far below the standard of exceeding greatness that freely belongs to each and every believer? I know that there is so much more that God has for my life if only I am willing to deny myself (offending my flesh), pick up my cross (offending the world), and follow Him (pleasing His heart).

There is a quote from the book that cut deeply into my heart, revealing what I believe is the passionate desire of God to awaken and prepare His slumbering bride - "God is in the business of offending the mind to expose the heart." Purity of heart is so often discarded in order to preserve the stubborness of our minds - we insist that our way is the right way, elevating ourselves in spiritual pride at the expense of our brothers and sisters in Christ. Not only that, we (the Church) are so far from understanding that our selfish and prideful interactions with one another explicitly go against the very words of Jesus in John 17 - "May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." The way we interact with one another impacts the way the world thinks about God, and yet so often we insist on winning petty arguments in order to validate what we believe is right.

The patience of God is so amazing. If I were in His place I probably would have blown the world up by now and started all over. However, He is way more gracious than I, willing to go to great lengths to expose the motivations of our hearts in order draw us closer to Him, bringing glory to His name.

I had no idea what I was in for when I started the "Quest". Sometimes I think that God likes to catch us off-guard!

Tagore

While going through a box of books left to me by my friend Marian, I discovered a book of poetry by Rabindranath Tagore - highly regarded as the greatest literary figure to come out of India. I remember being asked numerous times in Bangladesh if I knew of Tagore, and it didn't take very long for me to become acquainted with his works.

As I started thumbing through "Gitanjali", I was deeply moved by his poetry. If one didn't know better, one could easily assume that Tagore was a Christian. His poetry is deeply spiritual, and I have found my heart resonating with the beauty of his words.

19

If thou speakest not I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it.
I will keep still and wait like the night with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.
The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish, and thy voice pour down in golden streams breaking through the sky.
Then they words will take wing in songs from every one of my birds' nests, and thy melodies will break forth in flowers in all my forest groves.

38
That I want thee, only thee - let my heart repeat without end.
All desires that distract me, day and night, are false and empty to the core.
As the night keeps hidden in its gloom the petition for light, even thus in the depth of my unconsciousness rings the cry - I want thee, only thee.
As the storm still seeks its end in peace when it strikes against peace with all its might, even thus my rebellion strikes against thy love and still its cry is - I want thee, only thee.