CPR Continued...

For some reason this morning, I kept asking God not to let anything major happen at work today. Part of it is because it's Month End, and I would love nothing more than to hide in my office all day without any interruptions so I can actually get stuff done. The other part of it is that I tend to not think very clearly - well I guess you could say I kind of freak out - when I'm in charge and there's an accident. So, I don't know if God was trying to be funny, or if He thought it would be good for me to face my fears, but as I was happily clearing away trays down in our complimentary breakfast area, thankful for a semi-slow morning, someone yells at me to go call 911. When I looked up, all I could see was a crowd of people surrounding someone laying on the floor. As I ran to the nearest phone, all I could think was, "Oh no, what if I have to give someone CPR!" Then I started to realize that I had broken the first rule of the CPR training I took earlier this week. I am supposed to assess the victim first in order to tell 911 exactly why I'm calling so they don't have to send out every type of emergency personnel. I felt kind of dumb calling 911, not really knowing why I was calling except that someone was laying on the ground in our atrium, but the dispatcher was really nice, and that made me feel better. Then the panic set in of, "I'm the manager on duty...I am the one responsible for making sure that this gets handled properly." It seemed as though a thousand thoughts flooded my head as I tried to recall the proper protocol for handling a situation such as this. As I returned to the crowd of people a little scared of what I might find, there sat a young woman on the floor with a towel full of ice on her head. Apparently she had fainted and hit her head on the tile floor. I was very relieved (for everyone's sake) that it was nothing more serious than it was, and that I didn't have to perform CPR on anyone (once again, for their sake, not my own). There was nothing more to do than wait for the EMT's to come and take control of the situation.

Now that all the excitement has passed and all the incident reports have been filled out and routed to the proper departments, I am exhausted! I normally wouldn't blog while I'm at work, but it helps to get it all out so I can focus on the rest of my day. I probably shouldn't say this, but I hope that nothing more out of the ordinary happens today. I don't know how much more excitement I can take!

Excerpts From Blue Like Jazz

I just started reading Blue Like Jazz written by Don Miller. It came highly recommended from a very good friend of mine, so I thought I would pick it up - I've only gotten through 2 chapters, and so far it's a good read. He brilliantly weaves his life experiences with spiritual concepts that makes me want to keep on reading. Here are a few short excerpts that really stuck out to me:

"I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil, but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God."

"I think every conscious person, every person who is awake to the functioning principles within his reality, has a moment where he stops blaming the problems in the world on group think, on humanity and authority, and starts to face himself. I hate this more than anything. This is the hardest principle within Christian spirituality for me to deal with. The problem is not out there; the problem is the needy beast of a thing that lives in my chest."

"There is a poem by the literary critic C.S. Lewis that is more or less a confession...I always come back to this poem when I think soberly about my faith, about the general precepts of Christian spirituality, the beautiful precepts that indicate we are flawed, all of us are flawed, the corrupt politician and the pious Sunday school teacher. In the poem C.S. Lewis faces himself. He addresses his own depravity with a soulful sort of bravery:

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, reassurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love - a scholar's parrot may talk Greek -
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

I talk about love, forgiveness, social justice; I rage against American materialism in name of altruism, but have I even controlled my own heart? The overwhelming majority of time I spend thinking about myself, pleasing myself, reassuring myself, and when I am done there is nothing to spare for the needy. Six billion people live in this world, and I can only muster thoughts for one. Me."

I guess if you're not one for raw honesty, the book will probably make you feel a little uncomfortable, which wouldn't be such a bad thing. I'm learning that staying within your comfort zones doesn't really get you anywhere - or as Miller puts it, "habit prevents your heart from engaging God."

What's the point of CPR?

Today I had to spend 4 hours in a CPR training class because I am a manager. I think it was the most interesting CPR class that I've ever taken. The instructor started out the class by asking us what the purpose of CPR was. An eager co-worker piped up answering, "To save someone's life." I thought this was a pretty good answer...it made sense in my head. Much to my surprise, our instructor replied, "Well, actually, chances are you won't be saving a life. 8 out of 10 times CPR is performed, the person doesn't make it." I was full of shock and disbelief at what my ears were hearing. I actually found myself thinking, "Well then what's the point of me sitting here, spending 4 hours of my time learning something that 8 out of 10 times won't make a difference?" Now that I have had time to process everything, I obviously realize that if this is true, it does make a difference for the 2 people who end up living. I guess I was just really put off by the way our instructor was presenting the material (there were other things he said as well that had me shaking my head in distaste) - it really would have been more helpful if he would have communicated the material in a more positive light. I do have to say that as I sit here typing this, I am powerfully aware of how I choose to communicate my words can impact others. I really do want to be one who communicates hope and life in our dark and fallen world.

I hope I never have to use my now somewhat sketchy knowledge of CPR on anyone (for their sake, not my own). But, if that day ever comes, I want to believe that what I am doing will make a difference. Maybe I should sign-up for a different class that won't leave me with such a bad taste in my mouth.

The Place of Privilege

I went out for coffee this morning with my friend Shelley, and she said something that was really profound to me - "It's a privilege that God would go to such great lengths to make you like Him." I think that most of the time, I have this romantic notion in my head that the refining process of God is supposed to be gentle, sweet, and easy, but in reality I'm finding it's more like the hot, unrelenting fires of hell. Sitting in the kiln of the Refiner doesn't really feel like a privilege right now, but when I take a moment to reflect on the finished work that will be done, I know that my friend is right. Every now and then I think about the beautification process that Esther had to go through before she was ever presented to King Xerxes. It sounds so glamourous and exciting, but I can't help but think that at times it had to be grueling, not quite the pampering day at the spa that I picture it being. I guess when it's all said and done, I'm thankful for the promise of what God is doing even though at the moment it feels really crappy - "Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who will also do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Broken Things

Just thought I would share a couple thoughts in regards to brokenness...

"I have been reflecting on the inestimable value of 'broken things.' Broken pitchers gave ample light for victory (Judges 7:19-21); broken bread was more than enough for all the hungry (Matthew 14:19-21); broken box gave fragrance to all the world (Mark 14:3, 9); and broken body is salvation to all who believe and receive the Savior (Isaiah 53:5-6; 1 Corinthians 11:24). And what cannot the Broken One do with our broken hearts, plans and dreams?"
- V. Raymond Edman

"It is doubtful that God would use someone greatly until He has broken them deeply."
- A.W. Tozer

I think many times, the church, at least from my experience, has equated brokenness with being spiritually weak or immature, that which is of little value to God. It goes against the grain of our society to accept being broken - if something is broken, it automatically loses its value and is often thrown out in the garbage, no longer of any use to its owner. I can see why it's difficult for us to fully grasp the economy of God, where He chooses to use the weak, broken, and foolish things of the world to shame the wise. We naturally gravitate towards the wisdom of the world, trying to fix ourselves up in order to be of any use in the kingdom - but then who would receive the glory? To despise being broken is to despise the very wisdom of God.

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels (broken, cracked, and fragile) that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us."
- 2 Corinthians 4:7

Higher

I was going through one of my old journals the other day and came across an entry that I had forgotten about. My initial response was, "What kind of high was I on when I wrote this?" Even though it was less than a year ago, I feel so far removed from that season of my life. I guess you could say that I've taken a tumble down from the proverbial mountain top into the valley of the shadow of death. So, here I sit wistfully looking up to the heights from which I've fallen, bewildered at the circumstances I find myself in and fiercely wishing I could be back in that place of trust once again. And so I write this as an imperative to myself as I start the long trek back up the mountainside...

"Higher...I hear the faint whisper of my Lord calling me to come up higher. How easy it is to be overcome by the here and now
circumstances that weigh me down, slow me up, and keep me distracted from
the better part. If I would only listen more closely, He's always
calling, and in heeding to His call to rise up, I will be shaken from this
stupor of self-absorption and pity. Where is He calling me to? He's calling
me to come and see from His perspective, for His ways are so much higher than my own. In the midst of any circumstance my vision is limited, fallible and dim.
But, when I arise and go to meet Him, the eyes of my heart are opened and
my sight is consumed by His greatness as He draws near. Whatever circumstance I have left behind no longer remains the focus, but as the author and perfector of
my faith captures my gaze, this is where I am changed. We become what we behold and I no longer want to be consumed with my sorrow or wrapped up in my doubt. I am desperate for the Lover of my soul to consume my very
being. It's in this place of rising above that He applies the healing balm
of Gilead to my broken heart that has been bruised and wounded by the very
circumstances that I so desperately hold onto. He calls me higher, not to
disregard my brokenness, but to make me whole in Him. Listen beloved,
consider and incline your ear, listen to His gentle call...Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away...O my dove, in the clefts of the Rock, in the secret places of the cliff, let me see your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your
face is lovely."

Paradigm Shift

Tonight, as I was reading a chapter out of "Empowered Evangelicals" by Rich Nathan and Ken Wilson, this thought popped into my head - Can one call him or herself a Pentecostal without holding to the belief that speaking in tongues is the initial physical evidence of the Baptism of the Holy Spirit? If not, I am suddenly finding myself in an overwhelming identity crisis, for I have always considered myself to be a Pentecostal.

There's nothing quite like the alarming jolt of a paradigm shift...

Coffee Talk

I am proud to say that I am officially considered a "regular" at the little coffee shop just down the street. No longer do I have to verbally communicate my order to the barista behind the counter - she knows as soon as I walk through the door exactly what I want. Now to some, this may appear to be boring and predictable, but to me it takes on a much deeper meaning than just ordering the same old thing every time I go to get coffee. It feels good to know that I have been noticed, set apart...I am no longer one of the many nameless, faceless coffee-lovers who pass through the doors of this fine establishment on a daily basis. I have been associated with the desire of my heart, so to speak. On a larger scale, this serves as a refreshing reminder that there is an Omniscient God who knows every word on my tongue before it's ever spoken into being. Not only has He taken notice of me, He is intimately acquainted with the deepest desires of my heart. And greater still, beyond just merely knowing my desires, He also longs to fulfill each and every single one of them, as only He can do. As my heart drinks in this reality, suddenly this vast God of the universe does not feel so far off anymore. In fact, He's much closer than I think.

Complete

"...and you are complete in Him."

Colossians 2:10

What a thought too lofty to wrap my feeble brain around...in my frail, weak, and wretched state - in Christ - I am complete. There is nothing missing, I lack no good thing. I have all I've ever wanted, needed and desired in this man, Jesus of Nazareth. And yet there's a question that keeps nagging at the depth of my being, "Why should I have want for any other thing?" I am on a quest to find that which will satisfy the deep craving of my soul to be whole, and so many times I frantically look everywhere except the most obvious place - Jesus Christ. I am slowly and painfully finding that in my search for completeness, any garment (the approval of man, good works, wealth, reputation, worldly pleasures, etc.) other than His robes of righteousness will only leave me exposed and vulnerable. There is no need to look elsewhere for the only garment that truly fits...I no longer have to strive to fill in the empty places, the lacking parts, the cracks and crevices that I desperately hope no one will notice - He completes me, and this by His own good pleasure! There's something about arriving at the realization of this completeness in Christ that mere words cannot convey - It is a finished work that need not be repeated nor replicated. It is done, complete, all-sufficient. He has come and laid down His life, once and for all, that we may have this full, complete and abundant life in Him. My prayer now is that you, the Body of Christ, and I would live daily with the confidence of who we are in Him.

The Glory of Pain

"As we allow ourselves to experience our own pain, we can know that what we feel is Christ suffering in us and redeeming us...there is no way of healing from the wounds each of us carries except through the love of Jesus Christ."

This is a quote from Brennan Manning's book, "The Signature of Jesus". For some odd reason, I have this notion in my head that there are people out there who are living lives free of pain and suffering. Now this may be true in the physical sense, but I highly doubt that there is anyone out there who hasn't received some type of emotional wounding. John Eldredge, the author of "The Sacred Romance", asserts that you cannot experience true joy and love without also encountering pain and suffering. Think about the people who are closest to you versus Joe Schmoe out on the street - the people we let into our inner most circle are the ones who will bring us the most joy as well as the possibility of the most pain. It's highly unlikely that we would gain the same amount of joy/pain from Joe Schmoe as from the people we love most dearly.

I would say that I would have to agree with Eldredge's assertion, and yet in light of this knowledge, most of the time I fear suffering and scorn the pain that my heart feels. I find myself desperately trying to numb the raw emotions of my heart, and yet in my head I know that to deny myself the experience of pain and suffering is to also deny the reality of the immense joy and love found in sharing life with those around me. It seems as though there may be only two roads to traverse - the first would be living alive to and aware of the pain and suffering that inevitably comes with life's greatest experiences, and the second, to harden my heart in order to protect myself from this pain and suffering (as well as joy and love). Sometimes I find myself believing that the latter road is much easier, less dangerous and maybe even safe. But then the Truth shatters the deceit of this illusion revealing that this second road is where my heart will slowly die - alone, cold, hard and devoid of all true love, joy and happiness. In light of this revelation, I would say that traveling the former road is comparably much more appealing than the latter.

Getting back to the quote from Manning, it's comforting to know that my suffering and pain is a part of the redemptive work of Christ in my life. He hasn't left me here to try and figure this out all on my own, but He has given me the Holy Spirit, by whom His love is poured out into my heart. I can't say that I fully understand how all of this works, but I am reminded that being a co-heir with Christ means that I will share in His sufferings, and yet this is so incredibly minute compared to the incomprehensible glory of God that will be revealed in my life.

To blog, or not to blog...

To blog, or not to blog...this has been the question floating around in my head. I've had friends inquire as to whether I would start blogging or not. To be quite honest, blogging is relatively new to me. Before connecting with Bluer, a community of believers in South Minneapolis, I had heard of blogging, but didn't really know a whole lot about it, nor posess a desire to engage in this online trend. If anything, I didn't know what I would say or whether or not I would have enough time to blog, but here I am...blogging! I guess I'll give it a whirl.